X-mission: Shark's laughter
by Heavychop
Summary: This is a sequel to 'Five kinds of VOIs'. Very OOC Xanxus. Pure crack. A little bit of yaoi, or maybe not? Find it out yourself! So Xanxus is bored and he needs something to do. Remember, he is still the badass that will get what he wants. (Re-uploaded and rearranged)
1. The mission

**Hi all! This is a sequel to my other fic, Five kind of VOIs! **

**Warning, this fic may/ contain:  
-grammatical, spelling errors  
-violence, typical Varia-ness, trickery, swearings  
-super OOC Xanxus  
-poor Squalo**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**1**

Xanxus, bored after enjoying his five-star steak, butt-attacked Belphagor, shoved the remaining vegetables into the disgusting thunder guardian's nostrils, stomped on a heap of Mammon's cash and bite Lussuria's hair, decides that he should continue on his discovery mission. He can't really afford to let his great wisdom go to waste, can he?

Mm, what should he unveil today? There are just so much new things to find out in the Varia. Like last week, he found out an abandoned secret passage in his room and mentally reminded himself that he doesn't needs to bribe the front guard to sneak out for cosplays anymore (as a Boss, he simply needs to keep his reputation at its best). O hahahaha how he admired himself for his own intelligence.

He spends the next five minutes of precious time snickering to himself. Luckily nobody saw him and he is the only one that's allowed to access the surveillance camera without anyone's approval (which means he can always block others from seeing such a sight or simply wipe clean all evidence.

Back to the point. He thinks harder however, cute ideas isn't coming to him yet. Must because of that stupid shark. He mutters. He hasn't watched an explosion of glass pieces and alcohol against lustrous silver surface once today, that is the main cause of Xanxus, the great explorer and cosplayer and actor and trickster, to lose his ability to come up with something.

Damn that shark trash. Where is he? Must be hiding at a dark corner avoiding Xanxus x-vision. Maybe he can use his brain power to hypnotize his second-in-command (his experiment subject) to summon that cowardly coward out? Upon thinking of that idea, Xanxus once again laughs out in delight for possessing supernatural power other than his flame of Wrath (X-fiamma).

Buahahahahahahahahahaha! Buahahhahahahahhahahaha! He laughs and laughs until he wheezes. No no no no did he just laugh buahahahahahahahahahaha? Maybe he should try something different, something more remarkable (although Xanxus personally favours this kind of laughter very much).

Muahahahahahahahaha!? Or... Duahahahahahahaha? Gahahahahaha? Kuahahahahahahaha? Ahahahahaha? Just hahahahahahaha?

The great, wise Xanxus can't really decides. So he guesses he'll just stick to his trademark hearty laugh for the next laughing scene in the future Manga chapter.

How lame, but, everyone in the Varia too, has less inspiration on position human emotions.

Xanxus himself has never actually heard baby trash laugh. Levi that annoying maggot trash scum only knows how to copy him. Belphagor that prince trash emits shishishi sounds like a bat disregarding occasions. Metal trash (Gola Mosca) is a robot (though Xanxus once heard that stupid trash bubble). Frog trash is worst than a robot. Shark trash... He never laughed, or did he? Xanxus can't recalled how it sounds like. He can only see a voiceless illusion of Squalo grinning widely yelling a welcoming VOOOIIIIIIIII (yep, no. 1) but no laughter no matter how hard he tries to remember. (totally left out Lussuria)

He must find it out. And he will. Want Xanxus want, Xanxus gets in the end, even if it costs the whole world (he will not be responsible for wrecking the Earth, as Xanxus is not known to be a very responsible Boss is he?).

He should create a new space for that piece of information to be obtained.

Mind processing...

...

Done! Xanxus is please of himself for possessing such a nice brain.

Now, how should he make Squalo laugh (force)? Xanxus grins wickedly to himself, rubbing both his palm like your local villain that's about to ass-kick a poor puppy.


	2. X-mission: Plan A

~X-mission: PLAN A~

"Ohohohoho~!" This kind out beaming laughter can only means someone. It's either Santa... or LUSSURIA.

"Ohohohohoho~! I'm laughing my ass off~! Belphy-chan, Mammy-chan~ You all must come and read this~!" Lussuria's gayish voice rings like merry song. That corpse-lover gaylord doesn't have the slightest idea that his Boss is now sitting in front of the control room watching their every move, analyzing their every voice made. Xanxus rolls his eyes in disgust when the gay trash starts to swoosh his stinking butt around the place laughing like mad. But at least he proves that Xanxus' plan works. Or maybe not, as Lussuria has the lowest laughing point in the Varia, and everybody knows that (sometime he even got the wrong concept, hell knows what's with the trash's brain).

"Only idiot like you will laugh at such a bad joke." Levi spits it out without a second thought. #Bad joke!? You mean my sense of humour is fucking bad! You're dead, scum!# "Ahchoo!" *sniffs* "Why is it so cold all of sudden?" Asks a puzzled Levi who got himself stuck in shit neck-deep.

"You're so cruel, Lewwii~~"

"Mu mu... Ma, why is there so many print-out jokes appearing in the corridors all of sudden? It's not like it's a good reading place here.. And Boss.. approves this?" #Of course I approves it, I'm the one who placed them there in the first place!#

"Ushishishishi! The prince's bursting his stomach!" #Good, now you laughed too.#

"Jokes are good for both mental and physical health~~~ Does this means, Bossu actually cares for us a lot~?" #Even if I care, it won't be you dumb trash!#

"Mu mu maybe Boss wants us to relax once in a while?" #I want you to laugh, damnit!#

"Shishishishi Boss doesn't do things for nothing~ He's hinting us to praise his sense of humour!" #Correct!#

"S-so you mean Bossu is the one who place all this here and wants us to notice them and laugh!?" #Stupid scum, don't you understand!? I want the stupid shark trash to see that and laugh!#

"Yesshh Lewwiii~~ Bossu wants us to read them properly and fill the atmosphere with joy and happiness! Bossu wants a big happy family~!"

"For Boss! Guhehehe HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Muahahahahaha! OHAHAHAHA!" The bugs in the hallway are almost destroyed by the terrifyingly unnatural and ugly laughter. Xanxus, in a twisted face which is waaay too evil for human eyes to see, mutes the speaker. The sight of Levi fake laughing alone is enough to break down Xanxus' mind.

The great Varia Boss swears to kill that scum one day.

A certain teal-hair boy with a illusion apple hat comes into the range of the surveillance camera.

"What is just so funny sempai? Your body is shaking violently like you're being thrusted around by a five-feet pole. And peacock taichou, please stop swinging your caboose in all directions, you're giving little kids pervertic thought. And old lightning pervert, Me hate to say this but Boss must be using his maker pen to blacken your ugly face appeared on the CCTV screen now." #Now that's a good idea (the blacken Levi suggestion), why didn't I thought of it so I wouldn't have suffered an eyesore?#

*Stab stab stab stab*

"Shishishi. Say that again, frog."

"Me thought me won't need to repeat meself but too bad that me sempai is partially-deaf and he didn't hear me insulting him just now... Poor me for having a block-headed fake prince sempai. Oh yeah, block doesn't have eyes eitherways so he can't read me lips..."

*Stab stab stab stab stab*

"The prince is not a fake!"

"Mu, that's not very wise, Fran. But I agree with you about Levi and Lussuria..."

"Me is just telling the truth. Good kids don't lie, not like sempai self-proclaiming.."

*Stab*

"Ouch. Please be reminded that me do not wear a solid frog hat and me may die of blood lost although me know you do not have a memory at all, sempai."

*Stab stab stab stab stab staab stab stab*

"Kaching! Dieeee Frog!"

"Illusionists are meanies~~"

"You deserved to be punished, kid! Serves you right!"

"Yare yare stop fight boys~ Bossu wants a happy family, not a bunch of quarreling boys~~"

"Boys."

"Yup, boys~! I'm the mama, remember~? Now enjoy Bossu's jokes~!"

"Yeah! Bossu wants us to laugh. Laugh! Gehehehehgehe o ahahahaha!"

Xanxus mutes the speaker once again with furrowed brows. He wonders why he even allowed this worthless piece of shit to survive for so long? Xanxus the Great swears (with a colourful strings of profane language) that he will kill that faggot and dispose him like an unwanted condom (describing Levi as a condom is a huge insult to condoms for fuck's sake!). Even a condom is way useful than the ugly lightning ass-kisser!

"Boss wants it? If that's Boss' order... How should I laugh? Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh.?" #Really, I'm going to kill you tonight.#

"Mammy-chan, what about you~~ Don't you want to contribute to the family~?"

"I'll laugh for ten thousand Euro. No more Mammy, Lussuria. If you're calling me that again I'm going charge you 500 Euro per calling."

"Shishishi that's so expensive~~"

"Don't be like that, Mamu-chan~~"

"..."

"I understand how you feel, Mammon sempai, or Mammon baby?"

"Shishishi... Baby..."

Just when Xanxus' about to give up watching at the screen, the target shows up.

"VVOOOOOOIIIIII why the hell are you guys crowding in the hallway! And what are these papers!" The silver-haired swordsmaster (experiment subject) waved his artificial hand around menacingly but surprisingly doesn't slices the papers, though the sharp part of the blade is dangerously close to Xanxus' creation. #Skilled.#

"There you are, Squ-chan~! I thought you've died eaten by some mean monsters~~!"

"Shishishishi are you hiding because you're scared of Boss?"

"Stay away from the Bossu!"

"Idiotic long-hair commander, it can't be help if Boss likes to play with your hair."

"I can help you to advise Boss if you pay me well."

"VOOOIIIIII FUCK OFF I AM NOT AVOIDING HIM GODAMNIT NOW WHO'S THE ONE WHO WENT UNDER THE FUCKING SUN MOTHERFUCKING WEED WHEN ALL OF YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO FOOL AROUND IN THE FUCKING GARDEN BUT NO ONE SHOWED UP TO HELP CLEANING UP THE MESS LEAVING ME ALL ALONE TO LICK YOU SHITS FOR YOU!" Xanxus lowers the volume of the speaker as he doesn't have his cotton balls corked his ears. #Oh, now I remember why I didn't see him all day. I said I want to play "step-shadow" this evening and he's preparing the place.#

"Ohhhh sorry we forgot~~~ Don't be angry Squ-chan it's not good for your health~~"

"Don't call me Squ-chan!"

"Shishishi peasant should do peasant's job."

"Shut up, brat! You're cleaning up your bedroom tonight! The strong stench is coming out from your room and I'm suffocating in my sleep!"

"The prince's royal room is so clean~~ You're the one who have nose problem, Squalo."

"Sempai you should really clean your filthy room. It smells like the son of a dung beetle and a rotting carcass baptized in drain water from the underground terrain. Me's illusion won't work anywhere near to your room, you know."

*Stab stab stab stab*

"How dare you insulted the prince's royally room!"

"No Bel you should really, at least do something about your messy room. I'm next to you, you know, Acrobalenos needs to sleep too."

"Shishi wha-"

"Yeah! Bossu will faint if he happens to pass by! Clean it!"

"Belphy-chan, this is a matter of personal hygiene~~"

Xanxus didn't know that his one of his underling is such a dirty freak despite being maniacal and psychotic. He makes another mental memo to stay away from that scum for at least a minimum radius of 30 meters.

He does discovers a lot from a short conversation like this.

"Che... Fine! But, shishishi you're helping the prince to clean it, Froggy!"

"Huh? Me don't see a frog anywhere.."

"Don't play fool Froggy!"

"Taichous, help me. Me don't want to step into sempai's pool of waste and saliva."

*Stab*

"Ouch. Please stop stabing me with your weird knifes. My back is already full of blades and it hurts."

"Shishishi the prince will turn you into a frog cactus if you decline the prince's royal invitation."

"Help. Peacock dragqueen, idiotic long-hair commander, baby Mammon, skip old lightning-pervert, help me."

"You should've asked more nicely Franny-chan~ It's not bad to help out Belphy-chan anyways~~"

"VOI go help that prince brat clean his room! More help (hands) makes faster work!"

"You'll need to pay me first."

"Serves you right!"

"Pity me." #Laugh! Damnit! Are you laughing just yet!?#(Xanxus' fuming)

"Squ-chan~~"

"SQUALO! S-Q-U-A-L-O!"

"Squ-chan, have you read the jokes on the wall yet? Bossu left them here~~" #Now you'll laugh!#

"XANXUS? What the hell does he wants!?"

"Don't you utter Bossu's name." "Bossu wants a big happy family~~ He wants to see us all giggling together~!" #Oh fuck I don't how you interpreted this just laugh already!#

"HUH?"

"Just~ Read it~~ It's funny~~~"

"I've never see you laugh, Squalo."

"Shishishi maybe his voice is ugly."

"Me just hope me won't break my eardrums."

"VOIII! Shut up I'm reading!"

Xanxus, staring at the screen very eagerly, his face is getting closer and closer to the CCTV, sucking his thumb while widens his eyes and few millimeters more, expecting to get results he wants...

"VOOOII! This is funny!"

!?

"Squ-chan, don't you think it's hilarious?"

"You deaf!? I said it's funny!"

"Mu mu don't you laugh over something humourous?"

"I already laughed it over when I said it's funny! What!? What's wrong!? ...Don't tell me Xanxus is making an experiment out of me again..."

"Of course not honey~~ Everybody here laughed over it, even little Franny-chan~~ Right~?"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha."

"..."

Xanxus shuts the system down. This it isn't working. He needs a plan B.


	3. X-mission: Plan B

~X-mission: PLAN B~

Xanxus realised that maybe jokes itself aren't strong enough to move someone hard like the shark trash, he decided to hire Mammon to help him, since if the baby is nicely paid, it never fails him. And thus the world's strongest Illusionist is given the task from carrying out assassinations to making someone laugh over something just to satisfy Boss silly request. But the mist Acrobaleno doesn't complaint, the amount of income overwhelmed it's pride.

"Boss, do you think these are enough?" The infant calmly hands in a neatly wrapped photos into the hand of the most fearsome man existed. Xanxus unwrapped the package and burst out into an uncontrollable laughter upon the first glimpse of the first photo.

A man eating a 6-inch bun, unnoticed of a huge, dead roach hanging at the end of the bun. What's worst, he was so busy watching out for a cab that his foot was only a few centimeters above a small pool of melted chocolate ice cream on the floor.

The next few ones are worst. One that Xanxus laughed the most is a close-up photo of two basketball players knocked into each other. The person to the right is trying to make a shot, despite the blocker's failed attempt to defend his goal, he managed to get himself a good mouthful of the other male's member midair. Ouch.

"Buahahahahaha! This should work! I'll place them along the way to the meeting room!" Xanxus grins widely as he imagine how Squalo will roll on his stomach. He secretly praises himself for making the wise decision of hiring Mammon.

And of course, all expenses will go to the Vongola. He has already prepared fill-in-the-blanks kind of letter earlier ant he only needs to add a few words in it to request for money-claim.

~Lettera formale della Squadra assassini indipendente di Vongola IX, Varia~

A: il Decimo Boss di Vongola

Richiesta di Pagamento per le spense

Oi feccia,

Ho bisogno di un importo minimo di circa **quattro milioni** di euro in qualsiasi forma per le spense di **inttrattenimento, le spense di menutenzone, l'approvvigionamento alimentare e il pagamento per lie mie scoperte e l'occupazione di Mammon** . Ho allegato i conti con questa lettera. Si invia in denaro appena possibile.

Cordiali saluti,

Xanxus.

Boss di la Varia

/**Translation**

~Formal letter from the Vongola IX Independence Assassination Squad, Varia~

To: The Vongola Tenth Boss

Request of payment for expenses

Oi scum,

I request for a minimum amount of **four million** in whatever form to be pended for the expenditures for **entertainments, maintainance fees, food supply and payment for my discoveries and Mammon's employment **. I have attached the bills as proof along with this letter. You will send in the money as soon as the letter reaches you.

Best regards,

Xanxus

Boss of the Varia./

Xanxus rereads the whole letter after filling in the blanks. Yes, this is how a formal letter should be exactly. Xanxus' extremely pleased by his own writing skills. He didn't forget to lit a small flame at the top part of the letter before handing it in to one of the rookie scums to send it to the trash Tsuna. He snickers in amusement when he imagine how that trash will scream in horror after receiving the FIFTH letter of money request this month. It can't be helped that the Varia is always on the move and breaks something here and there, compare to the Vongola. If they want people to do their dirty jobs for them, then they must pay. Good point.

Now he'll start carrying out the plan B, as he has settled the financial problems.

Xanxus orders an emergency meeting that everyone must attend. And the funny pictures and quotes are stuck to everywhere along the way the meeting room, regardless of direction.

You know what happens then.

Squalo is the first person to reach the meeting room as everybody fell to the ground rolling on their stomach while the Second sword-emperor is the last one standing. Squalo, as usual screamed his trademark greeting and kicks open the already-have-a-hole-in-the-middle door in ease as he ducks the incoming identified-as-64%-alcohol-in-glass with a speed of 73mph, sways his beautiful long hair and...

"Voi, WHY ARE THERE SOOO MANY PICTURES DOWN THE HALLWAYYY!? THE NINTH ORDERED THIS!?"

Dumbass.

A certain half-contained wine glass comes in contact with a certain shark's head.

Crash. Followed by a loud, familiar VOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Don't worry, Xanxus'll never run of glasses to make a counter strike on the silverette's head, though Squalo's the one who stock that.

"I want to upgrade this castle. You have a problem, trash?" Xanxus, with his badass voice, snorts. He's somewhat relieved to hear the crashing and VOIing sound. It's like drugs to him, stronger than alcohol. He can't really live without them even one day.

"No! Of course not! Now if you mind I excuse myself to treat my fucking scalp!"

"I mind. I didn't say you can go."

"Like I care! What kind fucking urgent meeting is this when everyone isn't here!?" Squalo turns to leave.

"Wait. What do you think about my latest upgrades?"

"What else other than funny!? You want to slump the enemies who invade our castle!? Not bad!" The silverette (experiment subject) vanished in an eye bat after his last lines. Hell is still breaking loose out there and Xanxus doesn't want to get out now since he isn't looking forward to be his own trap's new victim.

Shit. Now Xanxus needs a new plan. And also a plan how to get out of here without dying from asphyxiation.


	4. X-mission: Plan C

~X-mission: Plan C~

Xanxus figures out if he can't make Squalo laugh, he will force the laughter out from him. Knowing that Mammon's illusions are practically useless to the born-assassin, he asked if Mammon can do something like mind-manipulation or hypnosis.

"Of course I can do that, Boss. But I will need the enemy to very weak before I can proceed and I personally don't think fighting Squalo for this reason is very wise." Explains Mammon patiently, putting up with it's Boss bullshit. It can't complaint, it is paid.

"Mm... What about when he's just awake, or...we drug him?"

"Squalo is no easy target, Boss. He's cautious of the surroundings even if he's asleep. I suppose only Lussuria's able to drug him. But then he'll be laughing like mad and hell with break loose."

"Doesn't matter, just get that peacock gay to drug him! I want to record it down and upload it to Youtube!"

"Alright, Boss. I'll get Lussuria to cooperate."

That very night, Lussuria has prepared dinner for everyone, each of them an individual platter. Xanxus' the first person to be in the dining hall, as he doesn't want to miss the show. As the clock's hour hand strikes to five, a shadows creeps in to the room. The Varia Boss is expecting it to be Squalo since he's always punctual, but it isn't the target.

"Ushishishishi the prince is so hungry today~~ What's for dinner Boss?" The blonde with a shiny tiara on his head walks directly at the dishes and grabs the first plate he saw. "Individual platter huh? Shishishishi the prince likes this so much!" The apple-hatted boy and the baby behinds him help themselves too with the dishes they like. This is the Varia: first come, first serve; late ones, eat yourself. Xanxus' a little disappointed that Squalo isn't here yet but he knows the shark will fest in here in no time. For the first time, Xanxus sits quietly and waits, like a spider waiting for its prey to fell for the trap.

The self-proclaimed prince's just about to settle down before Lussuria the mama rushes out of the kitchen (where he's hiding to capture the video) all of sudden shrieking femininely (and bitchy) at our confused and harassed Belphagor.

"NO no no no~ Belphy-chan you can't eat this~~! This platter is especially for Squ-chan~!" Oh damn that bitch has blurted it all out. Xanxus should have known that Lussuria's mouth isn't airtight like Mammon.

"? The prince gets to choose and eats whatever he wants. Squalo can eat my remaining food shishishishi..." _Bastard, let go of Squalo's food!_

"Sempai's really thick-headed don't you think? Ouch, please don't poke me with the fork, sempai."

"I guess it's pretty much useless to stop you from eating Squalo's portion, mu?"

"Belphy~~ I've cooked you your favourite cod fish and lobster~~! Now why don't you exchange it with Squalo's clam and tuna fish platter like a good boy~~?" Lussuria tries his best to persuade the blonde youngster but like Fran said, that psychotic genius is one hell of a stubborn human being.

"Shishishi the prince feels like having more simple meal today." Belphagor says as he chomps down a part of the tuna steak in his "princely" way. Lussuria can only watch him hopelessly as the main target steps into the room at the very right moment Xanxus' about to snatch the food from Belphagor. Everyone stops cold for a nanosecond as they see the storm that's coming.

"VVVOOOIIII what's the fuss with food!? It's just FOOD! I'll be taking the codfish and the lobster! How luxurious!" Squalo makes his manifesto loudly as he grabs the royal platter and sits at his usual place, beside Xanxus.

_Fuck you prince trash for ruining my plan! Now I'll make you pay later!_

"VOI XANXUS what's with that face!? The food is bad?"

*Smash*

"Shut up and eat, trash."

"TCH DO YOU HAVE TO BREAK ANOTHER FUCKING GLASS! THAT COSTS MONEY!"

"I say shut up and eat, trash."

As everybody arrives in the hall and eat, Belphagor feels something's not right. The atmosphere smells...funny. The food is...funny. His surroundings is...funny. He feels...funny.

The drug is starting to take effect.

"Sempai, why are you twitching like a worm although me know you're a worm all along but it's weird for you to show your true form now-"

A weak stab is delivered to the teal boy's shoulder. The youngster beside the boy is wriggling and twitching to violently to do anything. His face's distorted into and ugly expression. God saves all of them that Belphagor has his bangs grown to cover half of his face.

"Sempai? Please don't die. Me will miss bending your oddly-and-ugly-shaped knifes if you die here."

"VVOII Bel knock it off! It's disgusting!"

"So this is what you called 'princely'?"

Xanxus, Lussuria and Mammon just watch the scenario silently. Levi decided to remain silent as Boss does.

"Shishishi, the prince is happieeeeee shishishishi tickles shi-shis- it tickles shihihehe eeeeveeeryywheriiieeeee~~~~!" The poor young assassin drops to the carpeted floor as he grins and twitch and finally breaks into an uncontrollable laughter, with everyone witnessing this.

"KIIIEEEEEEEEE HI HI HI SHISHIH HIHIHIHIHI HEHEHEHEHEH SHIHIHIHIHIHIH!" Belphagor let out a crazed laughter, his body follows the rhythm of his laugh, twitching and heaving and squirming in a very very unprincely way.

"Scary!" Squeals the mist boy [yes, squeal. He's just a boy ;)]

"VOOII! LUSSURIA! GIVE HIM SOME MEDICAL HELP! IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME HE WENT PSYCHOTIC!" Squalo shouts directly and Lussuria.

"I-I don't know what to do~!" Screams a panicked flamboyant gay. This cherish man has put a little higher dose of laughing drugs in originally Squalo's food, since Squalo's pretty much a harder person to amuse. But now the over-dose drug has got a really bad side-effect on Belphagor, the already insane Belphagor.

"SSHHHIIIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIH KIEEEEYAAAAAAAA MY HANDS ITCHES! I NEED TO KI- SHISHIHISHISHIHHIHIHIHIHIHI KILLLLLLLLLL! BUULLLOOOOOOOODDDDDEEEE!" The drugged prince with his left hanging around the sides, picks up any cutlers or sharp objects in sight and starts a new century's Alamo. Everyone knows that how well a berserk Belphagor can kill. As I'd like to keep this story T-rated, I will not share Belphagor's gory attempts here.

All hell breaks loose. Or worst.


	5. X-mission: Plan D

~X-mission: Plan D~

Xanxus' still brainstorming for a way to make the fucking shark laugh.

"Bossu, you're still in it~~?" Here comes the flamboyant gay trash.

"Do I. Look like. I want to give up?" Xanxus questions in a threatening tone.

"No but I want to tell you something~~ It may or maynot be useful~~" The Boss' hazardous warning is proven ineffective to the dysfunctional, mentally twisted she-male.

"Speak." Xanxus is now more than desperate to listen to what Lusssuria has to say, even knowing that human who doesn't really has a penis doesn't really has a brain, too (not trying to offend my ladies readers..).

"Mou, Squ-chan hates being touched~~"

"Fuck off." Come one! For Christ sake, everyone hates being touch by Lussuria!

"Maybe Squ-chan is afraid of~~ Ticklish~~?" Yeah! Tickle! That's right why didn't he thinks of that? For the very first time, he has to admit that Lussuria is a genius. If abstract things don't work, then he'll use the physical way.

_Just you wait, shark._

Xanxus made good use of the mist infant to summon Superbia trash to where he is. But don't misunderstand! Xanxus is the Boss, and the Boss will never do something himself. He asked someone to tickle squalo，in front of him.

And of all people, he chooses Lussuria (since the feminine gay keeps insists that he's a pro at human weak points) and lets him takes care of it.

The shark, knowing little of his fate of being molassed by an unfavourable and stomach-turning gay, walks right in to the Boss' trap.

"VVOOOOIIII! WHA-" Squalo's expecting some glass thrown in his direction and is already ready to duck, doesn't expect that now it's a MAN (worst, a gay!) that assaults him sexually, it caught him completely off guard. He ends up on the floor with Lussuria topping him.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME, LUSSURIA! NOW!" Squalo's scream are futile.

"Ohhohohoho I can't Squ-chan~~ Not until you laughs~~~" Lussuria's fingers found Squalo's nipples and toys with it.

"I'm FUCKING KILLING YOU! VOOOIIII LUSSURIA!" Squalo tries to defend himself, but he's totally pinned down by the stronger, bigger sized martial artist.

"Hohoho enough of playing~~ Time to be serious~~~" Lussuria beams as he attacks Squalo's weak points, only to further exasperate the shark. Xanxus' watching from behind, almost bursts out laughing if not rolling on the floor.

"Does it tickles~~? Maybe I should strip you for a better effect~~" Not getting the results that he wants after tickling almost every tender part that can be found on the body (armpits, sides of waist, inner thighs, back of neck, ears, groin...), Lussuria starts to unbutton his garments. Since Squalo's so loud as we all know, it can't be helped that he attracts witnesses of his raping, right? And it can't be helped that Mammon and Belphagor has decided to videotape the whole scene and plan to do something good and profitable with it, right? It also can't be helped that a forsaken mischievous child like Fran or an annoying idiot like Levi will keep flamming him at his worst moment in life, right?

"FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!" Squalo, with a sudden powerful jerk, turns and makes a move similar to Judo and throws the perhaps-the-most-pervert-martial-artist-ever-existed to the nearest wall, leaving the wall with a flatten flamboyant embedded in and a huge crater. His hair's all messy, hanging down like an upside down mop. A very murderous aura is radiating from the enraged and extremely humiliated shark. Belphagor's face when white like a suck-dried popsicle and loses his grip on the HD camcorder, tembling. Mammon quickly vanishes into thin air. Fran stands cold and gulps. Levi cold-sweats. Xanxus' already nowhere in sight (the first to run away when his hyper intuition told him to).

"YOUUUUUUUUUUU ALLLLLLLL WILL DDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Everyone knows that a furious shark is worst than any kinds of destructive disaster on Earth. Yes, 10 times worst than a berserk Belphagor.


	6. X-mission: The Last Straw

~X-mission: The last straw~

Xanxus learnt well enough that Lussuria isn't reliable (at all!), or Mammon, or any method that are not done by him directly from the hard way. So he really has to do this, huh? He cares less about the waste of money, the Vongola is responsible for the bills.

He knows that the time will come. And now it is time.

He has to do it, himself. Just the way he did it when he wanted to hear all of Squalo's VOIs in a go.

Okay. He takes a deep breath. For greater discoveries, he's willing to sacrifices himself.

Let's go.

The raven hair sits in his throne, swirling the red wine in the glass slowly, following the ticking of the clock. He's all alone and the secret basement, where only himself and someone knows about.

The target.

They share a very special relationship. Not Boss and subordinate, not friends, not lovers. What does the both of them together means? He's confused, and the wine doesn't provide the raven man an answer, only reflecting his crimson eyes.

The eyes that burns with hatred and wrath. Said the beautiful silverette once.

Xanxus takes another sip of the liquid that burns his throat. He likes the very sensation, just like how he likes the bliss sensation of Squalo's pale skin rubbing against his own. He knows that their relationship will probably wilt like a forgotten rose in an emptied vase if he carries out his plan accordingly. Although he really wants the petals to stay, blooming beautifully forever and ever. He doesn't even mind that his honour of being a straight, fearsome and flawless Boss being ruptured.

But he knows, nothing lasts forever, and he has to do it. For a better world. For his great discoveries. For God's will.

He heard the familiar footsteps, a sound that he's too familiar with, the crisp sound of the safety boots solidify by time. The shark, his shark (experiment subject) is here, always so punctual. Xanxus narrows his brows.

This is the end.

"Voiiii... So what's with today's secret meeting!?" The door flings open as a result being kicked forcefully by the silver-haired beauty. Beautiful and handsome at the same time, even in the deepest, darkest cell where no sunlight can reach within. Xanxus' heart skips a beat.

His voice has never sound so beautiful, not like what the great Boss with a superhuman memory has remember.

"Come here." It's a low growl, like from the leader of a pack of wolf claiming it's prize. The world-known swordsman follows his command like enchanted. _I will follow you until the day I decay into a useless heap of nothing. _Vowed the beauty in front of the raven once.

"What is it actually?" Superbia Squalo asks in a normal human's voice, he's whispering. Cooing to the man he loves and wants badly.

"Nothing... I just want you here." Letting go of his glass, Xanxus grabs a fist full of the silky locks of silver-strings and pulls it closer until he can feel the younger males breath on the tip of his nose. It smells of the mint the silverette has consumed before that. The older male roughly bites the younger's neck and makes his way to the pale lips that are thirst of kisses. Squalo groans, his good hand moves around freely, intends to eat the scarred man whole with his hungry hands. They exchanges lips for lips, tongue for tongue, breath for breath. Xanxus doesn't want this to stop, he wants to proceed to the next stage, so do Squalo.

Xanxus wants to end this here, and Squalo feels it.

"Vooiiii..." The silverette pulls himself back and wipe his mouth, leaving the half-drifted in the pink ocean of bliss.

"Oi, I didn't say you can stop, trash."

"You're hiding something from me... Aren't you?" The younger male stares into the crimson gaze with his silver once, they reflects the image of the sexy man opposite. "I can feel it."

The air remains still and silent for a split-second. Squalo breaks the tension by bombarding a question again.

"Did the things happened in Varia, the jokes, the pictures, Bel's nuts incident means something (proposefully skip the painful experience of being raped by Lussuria)?" The voice echoes in the chamber, also into Xanxus skull. This man... Xanxus should reveals it now, seeing there's no point of hiding the truth anymore.

"I just want to you laugh. That's all I want."

"!" Squalo freezes a little, astonishes by the outcome.

"I realise that I've never hear you laughed once." Xanxus cuddles Squalo into his now exposed chest. "You did so much for me, and now I just want to make you happy." Xanxus plants a simple kiss on the other male's forehead. "I must remain the badass I am because I'm the Boss, and I must uphold my pride as the Boss. I regret it too for I cannot make you my legal lover." Xanxus returns a stare into Squalo's pit of silver. "I hope you understand."

"Voiii you... That..." The silverette just can't find the correct word to speak. His tongue is tied by the raven's gentleness, care and love. "I know. That's why I never leave you even how much you abused me. You think I'll seriously be backing off just for that?" Squalo tastes Xanxus' scarred flesh. He bites, and suck it and Xanxus lets out a low moan.

"You... trash.." The older male tries hard to form the right words, though drowned in the younger's warmth.

"Hm? Voiii..." Squalo continues to touch him.

"You haven't laugh for me yet." Xanxus asks straight-forwardly, he's too busy to think of something at the moment.

"I..." Squalo turns away. "I don't really remember how to laugh anymore..."

Xanxus hugs him from behind, whispers into his ears. Squalo feels the warm air breathing into his pinna. "Tell me." The soft voice says. Soft, but strong and solid enough as a direct order.

"Nothing amuses me much and I just.. don't laugh anymore."

"Squalo."

"What?"

"You said you'll do anything for me. You'll fight for me, live for me and rot for me."

"Correct."

"You said you're mine."

"Yup."

"Then, on behalf of my identity of being your Boss and your master, I command you to laugh. For me." Squalo looks at Xanxus like never before.

"For you..."

"Yes." Xanxus' voice sounds like charm.

"I CAN'T LAUGH ALL OF SUDDEN, DAMNIT!" Oh man, Xanxus didn't think that he will never his cotton balls so much in his life, because Squalo is screaming in an enclosed chamber with his vexing voice and yet Xanxus has to bare with it for a little longer. He doesn't really mind lingering a little longer, but his ears and his pride urges him to hit the wine glass into the shark trash's skull with full force and leave that bitching shark immediately.

He must cool down. He's so close to his goal, success. Only a little more.

"Then try to recall one of the funny jokes or pictures in the hallways. Don't tell me you didn't the slightest idea on what I've put so much effort into?"

"Yeah, sure.. Hmm"

"Hmm...?" Xanxus tries to sound as realistic as possible. So I'm such a natural actor... _Those cosplays buddies are right! I'm good at tricking people! I'm flawless and a genius! _Xanxus never knows that it's this hard to suppress a laugh. He wonders how Squalo manages that. He mentally swear to find it out before the game ends.

"This one's good let's see..."

_This is it!_

"VRUAYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!?" The whole basement's shaking from the terrible attack of sound wave. Luckily, she survived the disaster and doesn't collapse.

"How's that? Satisfied?"

"Excellent!" Xanxus kicked Squalo aside and remove the newly brought mini-camcorder that he has left it at a good angle to capture the whole scene and skips while humming a victorious tune, leaving a puzzled, once-again-being-ripped-off-shark behind.

"YESSSHHHH I FUCKING DID I FUCKING DID! I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! LALALALALALA I'M GOING TO POST THIS ON YOUTUBE WITH THE TITLE 'HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO DOING SOMETHING' BUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA I'M SO GREAT! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GUAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA- !?" Xanxus, upon his succession of getting what he wants (once again), is just about to admire himself and screams out like the whole world is just under his nose until he saw the person he hates the most, appearing before his eyes, nope this is no illusion.

"Hieeee... Xan-" Sawada Tsunayoshi, scared to his bones, apparently. The weak boy winces back a few inches after witnessing a what-seems-like-a-madman-that-just-broke-out-of-a- mental-hospital.

Sensing the present of someone, Xanxus immediately shifts to a better posture and puts on his trademark death-glare, with a super badass, life-threatening voice that will easily freaks the crap out of any human beings, he grits he teeth and emits a low growl:

"What are you looking at, TRASH?"

"I.. er.. I'm just lost... I-er I'll be g-going then-n..." The tenth Boss of Vongola doesn't even looked back before he attempts his escape after sheepishly buying himself some time to disappear from the Death God with a familiar insane and wicked laughter echoes down the hallway. He doesn't really need to run away, Xanxus isn't planning anything on him actually (too busy admiring himself). But as we all know, the hopeless no-good Tsuna is cowardly as he already is, and now scampers off with his member between his legs (needless to say, he trips on his foot all the way back to a safer ground in a pathetic state).


	7. X-tra: The pain of Vongola Boss

~XX~

As Sawada Tsunayoshi arrives at the cheap motel in a certain town of Italy, where he's currently staying, he can't help but feels a bit relief as the visit to the Varia has really wears him off. That place is a total mess and everyone and everything there is just a complete madness. He heads straight for his journal without bothering to remove his sweater and flips open a new page.

_28 December, 2012_

_I was forced by Reborn to pay the Varia's a visit and he insisted that Gokudera-kun, Yamamoto and Onii-san should come with me. The main reason we were paying this visit is because of the frequent request of large amount of money (always in Euros according to Gokudera-kun, I can't read Italian) and Reborn said as the Boss I should go and inspect their condition and check whether if they're making unnecessary requests. Gokudera-kun agrees, stating that 7 million is totally absurd. Actually, I only showed Gokudera-kun one of the request letter as all the letter look almost the same except the amount of money requested. Since Gokudera-kun is already so angry even over one request I was afraid that if I showed them all he'll bomb the Varia HQ himself for sure. (No no no nooooooo I couldn't create more trouble!) I then secretly approves all the financial requests and asked Chrome-san to alter the ledger. But then Reborn noticed a big hole in the account so that was why I was stuck here._

_The Varia HQ was very creepy from the outside, located in the middle of nowhere. So are the members, creepy and always appearing out of nowhere. Nobody was there to greet us, Gokudera-kun said it was better that way. Yamamoto just laughed and Onii-san kept screaming 'to the extreme!'. Weirdly, there were a lot of print-out jokes and funny photo stuck to the wall everywhere I go. I didn't expect that the Varia were such a funny family. I can't really stop laughing, so is Gokudera-kun, Yamamoto and Onii-san. I didn't really understand all of the jokes, but Gokudera-kun did and he laughed and laughed and Yamamoto's got a low laughing point while Ryohei does everything to the extreme (including laughing) and they all ended up lying unconscious, twitching and foaming on the ground that it freaked me out. They were rushed to the hospital, leaving me all alone, lost in there and trying to find someone like Squalo to get some help. I felt so bad, scared and I wanted to leave. I didn't know where I'm going and that was when I met Xanxus scream-laughing like mad and saying something I'd never expect it'd be from someone like him. Like Buahahahahahahahaha GUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm the king of the world! His eyes were soooooo scary! Hieeee! But then he noticed me and I ran away. As I ran, I saw damaged walls, broken decorations and furniture everywhere. It was obvious the Varias are quarreling and fight each other everyday as there were workers repairing the damage but there are still holes everywhere... Just when I was about to leave this hell, I saw Squalo kicking a very tall man with lots of umbrella sticking out of his back (and weird mustache) which I thought it was Levi continuously without a reason. And a blonde guy with shiny tiara stabbing a overly-large apple-hatted child... So scary... And then there was a very colourful man wearing something like a huge fluffy pom-pom on his shoulders just came back from shopping with tons of high-class meat supply enough to feed 60 people for 3 months and bags of clotching at the back of the truck... Crazy... I knew exactly why I was feeding on ramens and cucumbers for months now.._

_The Varias... They are not normal at all..._

Sawada Tsunayoshi sprawls on his bed, exhausted after one of his worst day off his life that is filled with terrible memories of his friends unfortunate incident, sinful scenes that pollutes innocent minds and also the true side of a sadistic madman worst that Joker from the Batman. The visit has not served its purpose at all, yet increased the bill that awaits to be cleared (private hospitals usually shows no mercy on money issue). Tsuna guesses that he will arrange a meeting with Dino in order to seeking for financial help (at least ask for a place to run away from Reborn's blow for his insufficiency as the Boss). Our poor no-good Vongola Tenth Boss painfully smacks his forehead before he finally faints on his dirty attire.


End file.
